Under the duvet

I haven’t written anything in so long I had to head back to my old posts…May! 

The past three months have flown by being at home full time with my nearly 3 year old has been amazing but sometimes very challenging!! 

The beginning of August would have been my due date. It was an incredibly hard week, I ignored the approaching date then it hit me like a ton of bricks. Full on grief, saddness, the what ifs. BUT in a way I felt a weight lifted, no more “I’d be 6/7/8 etc months pregnant by now” There would be no more painful milestones. I think I mentioned in my previous blog about imagining a beautiful garden where they scattered the remains and I think about what that might look like. I thought about a fitting thing to do around the due date, to think about it, give it some peaceful headspace and as a family, we went to Kew Gardens. It was stunning and very peaceful. We bought a Japanese Maple tree to plant in our garden as reminder of the baby we lost. I walk past it every day and it’s beautiful.

Today my anxiety has got the better of me so I’m back hiding under a duvet for some quiet time, blocking out the outside world, plugged into headphones. It’s amazing how little time I spend truely on my own. Being at home with small one, they go everywhere with you, want and need your undivided attention from 6am until 7pm. 

We have started on the journey of trying again. 4 months so far and nothing. We fell pregnant with small one first time, then second cycle for the baby we lost last year. It’s incredibly stressful and you start to live your life in 2 week cycles. I’m so convinced it’s going to happen again and I’ll lose my other tube, then it’s game over. I’m not sure I could put us all through IVF (we couldn’t afford it privately & wouldn’t be a priority on NHS) Once you start the TWW you’re in panic mode, what’s that pain, why do I/don’t I feel like this & that. Then you get your period and for a split second you’re relieved because its not an ectopic but for days you feel a failure, another month of trying. Its going to be a long & frustrating road, I know that. A year is pretty normal in terms of conceiving after losing a tube, it’s patience (of which I have none!) 

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No Sleep

I can’t sleep, this happens on a monthly basis and always triggeers when I get my period (sorry…TMI!)

I think the issue is that it reminds me I shouldn’t have it, I should be 29 weeks pregnant. It makes me incredibly sad and the same 3 thoughts go round & round in my head:

1. The image on the ultrasound screen of our tiny bean baby stuck slap bang in the middle of my fallopian tube, then being told I would be admitted to hospital immediately to have it removed.

2. The thought of them removing the tube with tiny bean baby still in situ

3. (and the one that makes me upset the most) When I was admitted to the ward, they makes you sign lots of forms. Consent forms for surgery etc and one about the “sensitive disposal of human tissue” Basically there are 3 options available depending on how far along you are. Me being only 6 weeks, the 1st option was pointed at by the nurse and told “the others don’t apply to you” In a nutshell….before 12 weeks, the hospital will cremate the remains and scatter the ashes in a memory garden. I think about this a lot. I think about the ashes, the only real existing thing that remains from what happened, and about them being scattered. By who? What day was it? Was it sunny? Where is it? I imagine myself sitting in a beautiful garden filled with roses and hope it’s peaceful. It’s silent and serene, a fitting place to lay something to rest. I wrestle with the question as to whether I should find out where this is but I know in my heart of hearts I could never bring myself to go there. It would be too final and make it all seem very real.

New Challenges

I haven’t written in a while, it’s been a busy 4 weeks!

I walked out of work on Thursday looking forward to not going back and exploring a new way of living. The last 4 weeks were incredibly stressful trying to get things finished, pushing myself to finalise a big project, I seemed to cram more in those 4 weeks then I have over the past 6 months. So from Monday (still slight panic when I say this out loud) I’m unemployed…. I can’t tell you the relief of knowing I’m not going back to work. As scary as it is, I can feel the weight lifted. Of course it won’t be forever and looking after my son isn’t going to be a breeze but I’m so excited about hanging out with him.
I’m also feeling a lot better in my head, therapy has been great and I would recommend cbt to anyone with anxiety. It’s definitely helped with the here and now issues and although I’m still incredibly sad about the baby we lost, it doesn’t make me crumple up on the floor in tears. When my friend promised me I’d feel better in time, I never believed her, but it is true. You never forget the raw emotions of what happened and the gut wrenching grief but it doesn’t make me cry anymore.
Looking forward moving in the right direction, feeling like my old self again and a (hopefully) relaxing Summer.

All change

I quit work… Last day isn’t until end of March but it’ll fly by. It’s something that I’ve been thinking about doing and the more I went in, the worse I felt. I decided that actually I just want to stop for a while, concentrate on feeling better, spend more time with my son & ultimately figure out what I want to do.

I’ve worked non stop since leaving uni, I took 6 months mat leave, pressure was on to up my days. Actually the life treadmill had been increasing in speed without me realising. It wasn’t until I was forced to completely stop did I realise I just couldn’t do it anymore. I was stressed, never giving anything 100%.

It feels really positive, it’s about the only thought process I’ve had lately that feel coherent. Having had my assessment, I feel there’s a long road ahead to get to where I want to be. Anxiety is starting to filter in to all aspects of life. Deciding what to took for dinner has become torturous task, I never know where to start, what to do first, what if it’s disgusting?! I get paranoid outside, thinking someone might mug me or is following me.

Now and again I do just think trying again asap is the best idea, but realise it’s not because I want a baby as soon as possible, it’s so I can get the next ectopic pregnancy done whilst I’m feeling at my shittest. I’m convinced it’s going to happen again, and it fills me with utter dread and despair. I feel like I’m climbing a mountain but what’s the point when I’m just going to have climb again. I think that’s the problem when you don’t know why it happened or how you can prevent it from happening again.

Panic Button

A lot has happened in the past couple of weeks. When everything happened I (stupidly) thought it would be a perioid of utter grief and devestation then ultimately getting back to normality…how wrong was I?!

It’s like a snowball effect. It’s pure heartbreak and deep sadness then it’s blame. I wholly blame myself for what happened (rightly or wrongly) and feel enormous guilt that I caused this. You sink into a bad place. What has developed is sheer anxiety.
If anything goes wrong, it makes me dissolve into a puddle.
In making any decision, I run through every possible outcome and thing that could go wrong then start worrying that that’s what’s going to happen.
Unable to process what’s going on around me at a normal pace.
Then there’s the random panic attacks that happen for no reason, the main culprit seems to be the commute to work. Pressure in my chest, heart racing, cold sweats.

Before all of this happened, I would say I was pretty confident and able to make snap decisions that 9 times out of 10 resulted in a good outcome. Accepting you now feel completely different about who you are in your head is incredibly difficult.

I decided it was time to ask for help. I’m not normally one to ask so even picking up the phone to the GP took me a week. I rehearsed 1000 times what I was going to say. I worried they would turn around and say I was fine and then feel like I’m overreacting OR that there was seriously something up and they would cart me off. Neither were true!

Never did I think I would suffer from a mental health issue and there’s still a lot of stigma attached to it. GP was so supportive, said that actually what I had been through was a huge trauma and it’s normal for these feelings to develop. She’s booked me an appointment to come in and talk about it some more with her then referred me to an NHS trust for assesment and possible some CBT. It’s self referral so had to fill in a scary form about how I was really feeling.

Today has been the first day I haven’t had a panic attack coming to work. I feel positive that I’ve taken some steps to get help and hopefully avoided a very terrible situation. We’ll see…..it might help, it might not, but you’ve got to try right?

2016 so far

As predicted, returning to work has been tough. It’s like living in a silent prison. Not many people know what’s happened and as much as I keep saying that I’m not ashamed of whats happened, I can’t bring myself to say the words out loud. So when everyone asks you how your Christmas was, or “are yoh okay” you want to scream at the top of your lungs that you feel shit, have zero self confidence and want to hide under a duvet all day.
I’d say I was a pretty confidence person post baby lose, I couldn’t stand and do a presentation but I could run a 40k project and bring it in on time and under budget. I feel so low of myself now, I don’t trust my judgement, my ability to do the right thing or think anything I do will result in a positive outcome. To accept or even acknowledge that you’ve lost confidence in yourself in hard. I know deep down I’m not to blame for losing our baby but you still feel responsible.
Returning to work has really made
me realise how shit I feel, I’m suffering from anxiety on my commute in, I hate the thought of leaving my son at nursery, it doesn’t feel right. I’m struggling to find time to process my thoughts and instead furiously keep going because I feel there’s no other option.